Miserable

I don't want to be miserable.

I don't like being in the dark. Especially when it's my future that is so unknown.

I used to have a plan. Or at least an idea of what the "next 5 years" might perhaps look like.

Now I have nothing. I could stay just where I am, without plans for marriage or a family. I could just focus on being happy in the moment. And that is kind of what I have been doing. But then I realized that I'm not exceptionally happy in my current job and the status quo is not going to change without me doing something.

Does that mean moving out of Albuquerque to go to school? Does that mean just trying to find another job and starting at the bottom of the food chain again?

I also found out that I'm dreading the inevitable move... I was all ready to stay in one place for a few years and now it might be back to packing up and moving every year or so. Not looking forward to that. I'm stressed that I don't know how long I should take out a lease for... will I be able to stay somewhere for a whole year -what if I decide to change something in my life, like where I live, and I don't want to stay the lease. What if I get stuck in a rut and don't do what I need to? What if I stay just because that is what I know?

I feel so miserable that I haven't tried to figure any of this out yet. I'm just sitting here. Doing "nothing" it seems. But then I become upset and sad when I think of the reasons I need to figure my life on my own.

I thought I was being pretty good moving on, on my own. I wasn't as heart broken as I thought I might be that I didn't have someone to love me. I know I can be loved and I am lovable. I'm not unworthy for love. I know I deserve to be loved. Thank goodness I am a confident person. Otherwise this could have been a much worse experience. But I shake my own confidence sometimes when I don't know or can't decide what the next step should be.

Hopefully I will get past this frame of mind soon. I would rather be smiling.

I hate him.

Are boys blind to dirt and grim and gross!?

Why should I have to ask him to clean up after he cooks? It is his decision to work out, eat right, and cook. Why shouldn't he be expected to clean too. It's not like he has a "little woman" or a mother to clean up after his messes anymore. He claimed he didn't even realize it was messy!!

I purposely didn't clean up after his mess (although it was bothering me to have a dirty kitchen) over the last few days. When it was still a mess tonight, and I needed to do a few hand washing dishes anyway, I did all the dishes and cleaned the nasty stove. It was PACKED with grease and dried crusty crap! and it took a lot of scrubbing and the Magic Eraser to even do some good.

He needs to get used to taking care of himself. And he should have more respect for me and my want to have a clean kitchen. I know we are both busy and things don't always get clean right away... but a few DAYS is too much!

Gross.

Where did the ethics go?

I am a quality friend.

I'm honest. I want to help my friends succeed. I want to be here for them through the good and the bad. I listen to their problems and help them see different perspectives or give my advice if they want it. I want to be here to encourage them, support them, share my good times, make them smile and see the world through rose colored glasses...

I was talking to someone today who is trying to quit drinking pop. Currently he drink 2 LARGE pops a day. Wow! When I commented that it's his battle (saying my advice didn't have to be taken), but supporters usually help you win the battle; he said he didn't have any supporters. I asked him what kind of friends he had, because that made NO sense to me. Why, if you tell your friends what you are trying to do, aren't they at least supporting your decision if not encouraging you to meet your goal?

I forgot... people aren't like that any more. I told him that if a friend wanted support to quit something, I would be there. He commented that that makes me an exceptional friend! While i was happy for the compliment; I was also sad that people don't care any more. Not many have those "old fashioned" values and ethics. No wonder society is going down the toilet.

How did I become this way while everyone else could care less? I've always wanted to feel loved. My dad was strict, in a cold way sometimes. i always wanted to do my best to please him, and the rest of my family. And I wanted people to be proud of me. People's opinions of me mattered. I wanted to be the best person I could. I worked hard. I succeeded. I did my best.

I also was picked on. Not in the bully type way. But WORSE! I was a girl and I tried to be friends with girls. But girls are SO mean! They don't beat you up, they back stab you, they crush your dreams. They belittle your existence. I'm glad I found true friends, with similar values in High School or who knows what would have happened. I never wanted to treat someone the way I was treated for so long growing up. Maybe that's why I am so "real."

I wanted my actions to be reciprocated. I almost started tearing up while I was reading a Christmas card from my best friend. She thanked me for being a wonderful, supportive, and attentive friend, confidant, advisor and sympathizer. She also mentioned that she hoped she was reciprocating... I'm glad she cares!

I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for? It seems to me that I am making it very easy for someone to love me. I try to be my best and to be there for my friends and work hard at everything I do. Why does it seem like I work too hard to gain some one's love or respect? Well that is me. All I can do is hope for love in return.

Landslide -Fleetwood Mac

"Well I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you...
But time makes you bolder, children get older. I'm getting older too."

So my big life change is intimidating. Change is hard whether we accept it or not. This song reminded me that I am getting older, though not running out of time, I can use my experiences to move on and continue to grow.

I'm a committed person. I was starting to build my life around him in a way that could support us both. But now that the support is broken, I have to commit myself to me.

I am bold. I am confident in my successes and and my continued drive to move forward and remain myself. I'm not as fragile as I may feel sometimes.

I think I can. Whatever that means to you, it means to me that I am worth it. To someone I am or will be worth the time and the effort. I am me.

A Time to Cry

So I was going though my yahoo mailbox folder labeled "from Russell." I knew I needed to delete them. I also knew that I wanted to read them one last time, and that by doing so may bring up some heavy emotions that I haven't finished experiencing yet.

He loved me. Why would he not want to make time for me? I'm sad.

I came upon one email that sad "I'm always here for you, even when I'm swamped with hw myself. Don't hesitate to call me if you need to talk. You mean so much to me. I don't know what I'd do without you." That one really got me.

I know people can change, priorities can change, everything can change. But I was a firm believer that we could make our own priorities and have some control over what we wanted and how things turned out.

I have since then learned that Love is not enough. That ones priorities shape what one REALLY wants. He could have wanted me. But his want for me was not enough. He wanted his career. He may have cared for me, but not more than his career and his own betterment.

Sure he said that he didn't want to hold me back and wanted me to have the attention I deserved.... But he didn't even bring up other options or try to work things out. For him it was in or out. And he decided that out was easier and better for him.

What are my priorities now? I remember earlier this year, I had decided that this year I would work on getting proposed to and moving our relationship to the next step (and status). That's not going to work any more.

Now I'm learning how to be single again. Not only that I also have to see Russ and work on a friendship with the person who broke my heart. I know I'm capable of loving again, whatever that means. But now I have to face life "alone." I hate being lonely, but I have to "get used to" that again.

So for now, I'll cry and mourn the death of our relationship (and any plans of the future that I may have had) and try to not to hate being lonely. Why? I may never understand completely. I wish I could believe... but I'm finding it hard to do.

Bad Dreams

Last night I had another bad dream: a break up dream.

I have had both "getting back together" dreams and break up dreams. I much prefer the getting back together dreams, so I can at least have a happy subconscious during my sleep.

The break up dreams make me sad and make me re-live what happened only in worse conditions. Last night's dream the reason for the break up was because of another girl. He didn't love me and he had this other girl right away. Thankfully that was not the case in real life. But that dream sucked!

Metaphorically, the girl could have represented his career stealing him away from me... but with an actual person, in the dream, it was much more difficult to digest.

When will the break up dreams stop? I used to hate having the nightmarish dreams that I'm running away from someone who is trying to kill me or someone I love or both... But these depressing break up dreams are almost worse. (Almost, I'm glad I don't have to many running away and hiding to stay alive dreams right now.)

Maybe tonight my subconscious will decide that I should be happy and I'll get a restful night's sleep and a good dream. All I can do is hope.

Thrilling to Lonely

Single again. It's a lot to get used to.

I just went on an unexpected date on Thursday. I had a great time! I shared and listened to stories. I laughed and smiled, probably even blushed. I was myself. Fun, bubbly, geeky, and weird. Apparently I'm worth it though, even with my quirks. Thrilling! I was on such an adrenaline high. I sounded happy. I felt happy.

But then there are also the lonely times. i haven't been completely alone for a while. I'm still living with my ex until we can work out the housing situation, but he's gone this week. It's so different being "home alone." It really does emphasize the "alone" part. Music and TV can only distract you so much.

Dreaming about the future is so much different now. I don' t have a clue what could happen, where I'll be in 5 years, or where I'll be next year for that matter. How do you plan when the unexpected pops up and your world is completely shifted? Sure, I have all the options in the world available for me to decide between. But there are so many options, where do I begin?

The single life is made up of ups and downs. Any life does. I'm just a stranger to the single life. How does it work again? The problem is that most things have stayed the same, so far. Originally I thought having my own place would be ideal. But after one day of being "completely" alone... I'm not sure any more. It's a big change.

I believe I can do it. I can handle the change. But I find I need to remind myself of this fact, so that situations are not so overwhelming.

One foot in front of the other... one step at a time... one moment to the next... Wish me luck. It could be a long road.