Why do I cry?

Last night I cried.

Then I wondered why I cried. Was it because I want him to take me back? Is it because I still want him? Am I just looking for attention? Why was I crying?

Well, I'm not sure I know what love really is any more. I guess I find out when I get there. I know he is not going to try to get me back. I think I have accepted that for the most part. So why was I crying?

I gave it some more thought. And I have come up with the answer. It has to do with multiple feelings including sadness, fear, and self-pity because of one truth: I was unwanted.

He didn't want me. He "loved and cared" about me, but he didn't want me. All of his love for me wasn't enough for him to want to keep me.

I don't want to be unwanted. I deserve to be wanted. So I cried because I was sad that I had been unwanted. Because I am afraid that maybe no one will want me. I don't want to be alone in this world. And maybe because I pity myself -if I'm unwanted no one else should be sad for me - Who would really care about the emotional battle within me?

Betrayed

I can't shake this feeling. I feel so betrayed. By him.

Obviously, this is another stage that must pass. I feel so much hatred and anger towards him. I don't like being a hateful person.

I have cried s few times recently. I'm not sure if it's because of all the hate I feel, the need to let the emotion go, or that I'm so unhappy because I am hateful.

It comes after having too much time to think. I struggle with thinking that this is only hard on me. Is he going through this? Truthfully, I hope he is. I hope he is having a hard time accepting this change too.

I want to move past this stage soon. I hate being unhappy and hateful. I want to be happy again. I want to smile and laugh again (and not just every once in a while because I'm out on the town). I don't want to keep my eyes down when I'm around him -which until May is a lot more time than I would like -so that he doesn't see how unhappy I am and how angry I am at him.

There is too much to think about: who gets what, what are we going to try to sell, where should I live, how long will I stay there, how long should I stay at my job, what about the guys who are interested in me, do I really want to go back to school, can I afford to go back to school, what about my car that is dying, who would help me get a good deal on a new car? I think those are the main questions... and they are NOT small questions... a lot of them are life altering questions...

So many life altering questions are difficult to deal with at one time.

Breathe in, breathe out.... wish me luck. I hope I can find some dreams that I want to achieve, then I can have some direction in my life.