Lonely

This morning I had the most horrible feeling of loneliness. I felt sad. I felt as if I could lay in bed all day and not care. I didn't care that my stomache was arguing with me to feed it. I knew I had to get up.

I did. That was a success.

I worked out after a time of "moping" at my computer desk. I can go on. Even when I am thrown into the bowels of dispare. I was sad and lonely.

Why should I feel sad and lonely? Maybe I just need a good cry. Maybe the stress of all these life changes are catching up to me again.

I shouldn't feel lonely. Tim is a wonderful boyfriend (proven as talking to him earlier today made me feel better). He really cares for me and wants to be with me. Maybe it's the long distance aspect that is taking it's toll on me. I miss him so much. I wanted to be there for him this week while he was SO stressed out and a lot of changes came his way as well. But I couldn't be there to give him a hug and SHOW him how much he means to me. I could listen, and I did listen. But I wanted to be there.

I also have a lot of friends, but I can't always see them. Maybe living by myself fis taking a toll as well. It started with me not wanting to do dishes. I still don't want to do the dishes and I am comforted that I don't have to because I am the only one who will or won't care. On the other side, It's sad that I don't have to do anything.

...This was written on 6/18, and I was happy to talk to Tim. He called and I told him I was sad and we talked about it...

And now today (after a wonderful spontaneous visit from Tim) I am feeling sad again.

I really did not want Tim to leave. We have such a great connection. I hope this is simply a down after the high that I've been feeling with Tim this weekend. I really think that what we have is more than just good feelings. But when he's gone, and I'm sad, I do wonder just a little bit...

I know I've been able to be happy by myself, going out with friends and staying busy here... but after this trip I am feeling slightly depressed. After the other trips to see Tim, I have been able to relax and have some "me time"... but I just miss him so much now.

I tried to find someone to hang out with tonight, so I wouldn't be alone... but that didn't work. So here I am - alone. It is very lonely to live by yourself. I'm such a people person... I like having my own place, but it does get lonely.

Surprisingly, my music doesn't seem to be helping much either. I can't seem to find the right music to listen to. :(

I realy just need to talk this out with someone. I hope Tim will feel up for a chat tonight. Or if Heather gets my message, I would really like to talk with her.

Breathe in, Breathe out. I can do this. (Perhaps this is because my monthly visitor is coming soon) or maybe I am a little emotionally unstable. I have had a lot of changes. Maybe I'm not ready for this all.

No. These changes are necessary and I need to work through them. Tim has already said that he can wait. I'm nervous about my living arrangements in Seattle.

It would be easier to move in with Tim, but a part of me fears that could damage our relationship... I don't think it will but it's still a worry I have.

Breathe in, Breathe out. I just need to continue to talk this out and find out what's best for me. I can do this. Life is worth the adventure, even with the fear of the unknown. I just need to continue to believe that.

Leaving ABQ behind

I am preparing to leave Albuquerque behind. I have had a good stay and plenty of adventures but it is time to turn the page and move on with my life.

It is good to move on. I wasn't sure at first whether I would continue to stay in Albuquerque or not for a while. I knew I would leave eventually. What better time to start anew than this. I am currently unhappy with my job, really want to get back on the music scene, and have a wonderful boyfriend who adores me.

Seattle will be a great place to get closer to my goals. Plus I think it is time for a change of scenery. I am excited that I won't have to start from scratch getting to know people and making friends. My best friend currently lives there and has some connections. I am confident that I have learned plenty of skills to continue to make my own friends as well.

Tim is also someone who likes to go out, be social, and have fun. I think, as a couple, we will make many other new friends together as well.

Each day I am getting more and more ready to leave Albuquerque behind and continue my life in Seattle.