Miserable

I don't want to be miserable.

I don't like being in the dark. Especially when it's my future that is so unknown.

I used to have a plan. Or at least an idea of what the "next 5 years" might perhaps look like.

Now I have nothing. I could stay just where I am, without plans for marriage or a family. I could just focus on being happy in the moment. And that is kind of what I have been doing. But then I realized that I'm not exceptionally happy in my current job and the status quo is not going to change without me doing something.

Does that mean moving out of Albuquerque to go to school? Does that mean just trying to find another job and starting at the bottom of the food chain again?

I also found out that I'm dreading the inevitable move... I was all ready to stay in one place for a few years and now it might be back to packing up and moving every year or so. Not looking forward to that. I'm stressed that I don't know how long I should take out a lease for... will I be able to stay somewhere for a whole year -what if I decide to change something in my life, like where I live, and I don't want to stay the lease. What if I get stuck in a rut and don't do what I need to? What if I stay just because that is what I know?

I feel so miserable that I haven't tried to figure any of this out yet. I'm just sitting here. Doing "nothing" it seems. But then I become upset and sad when I think of the reasons I need to figure my life on my own.

I thought I was being pretty good moving on, on my own. I wasn't as heart broken as I thought I might be that I didn't have someone to love me. I know I can be loved and I am lovable. I'm not unworthy for love. I know I deserve to be loved. Thank goodness I am a confident person. Otherwise this could have been a much worse experience. But I shake my own confidence sometimes when I don't know or can't decide what the next step should be.

Hopefully I will get past this frame of mind soon. I would rather be smiling.