No More Compromises

I hope I don't turn into a bitch...

I used to be a person who could make compromises work. I thought if I would give a little, others would give a little too. Apparently I was wrong. No more giving up stir fry, because he doesn't like it. No more staying at home when I would rather go out. No more compromising with anyone who won't compromise with me.

I know relationships should be a give and take... but I refuse to be the only one giving. I guess that should have been a warning sign. It was nothing big -there were enough compromises there -it was the small things I "had" to give up to make sure things worked out.

What can a girl do? Hopefully this decision will not leave me lonely forever.

Silly Childish Fantasies

Love.

They say it's "all you need" and that it "never fails," but that is not true.

I have found out, after 5 years of a loving relationship, that love is not enough. Love was and is still there in a way, but it wasn't enough to make it through life. Life came in with not-enough-time, focus-on-career, and can't-get-what-you-need, so love failed me.

I should know better to believe in "happily ever afters" and I do know that love takes work and compromise, but I didn't imagine it would FAIL completely.

I'm sad because love failed. There was no "how can we work this out." It seemed so black and white. "I am focusing on my career (stop)." "It's been stressful for me at work and at home (stop)." Where's the compromise? Where's the what-if-we-try-this?

I'm mourning the death of love, and it's killing me to think that love is not as powerful as I had come to believe. Where do I go from here, dear void? Can the love that NEVER fails exist? My reality has changed. What do I believe in now?

Logic doesn't always work...

So I have been feeling one of two things...

like a fraud, rather incompetent, and very lucky.

How does this work?

Well, as to the first, there are many factors:
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it is so stressful not having a plan or direction. I've been thinking that I want to apply my degree in psychology to the work I want to do, and be recognized for doing. But I don't know if I want to be a counselor, a therapist, or a clinical psychologist. What's worse is I don't know if I want to pursue futher degrees. I came to the conclusion that I would only get a Masters in a field so I could be licensed. but then what good would that do if I can't get the job I end up wanting, PLUS it costs so much to go back to school only for a masters. Well maybe I could try for a Doctret... but I remember not being all that fond of research. I don't know if I could handle the work, having school take over my life again.... I like having a 9 to 5 job where I don't have to bring work home with me. But I feel like I could DO and BE so much more.

2. I don't know how I became a music major. I can't even play the freakin' piano. Russ is so talented at sight reading or just being able to play. It takes me so long to attempt to get through a song and I can't seem to read the notes. I haven't sang in so long, who knows if I'd be good any more. my dreams in this area seem to slip away. I miss all that I accomplished at Concordia. I miss my choir. I'm so emotional when it comes to the music aspect of my life... I almost feel like it's gone -I do enjoy it though, when Russ decides to serenade me with piano music -but thaa's a good part.

3. My weight... I"ve gained so much since last December (when I was lonely enough and in a way depressed enough to eat and not care. I don't ift into any of my size 10 pants, some of the shirts I had are too tight. I have a stomache pouch. because of the type of shirt I was wearing today, some old man asked me how far along I was.... it's depressing. But the point is that I want to work out to try and lose this weight. and my drive seems strong when I leave work. But by the time I arrive at home, I'm tired and can't make myself get into the workout mode. I think the HARDEST part is knowing that I can lose the weight, and not being able to make it happen. As of summer 2008, I was fitting into size 10 jeans, and only 160 lbs. I know it can be done! But I can't seem to do it. I like sweets too much, I'm too lazy, and it's sad.

Ok... that's enoug of the bad side for now...
on the other hand, I'm so lucky to have Russ. To have his support in all that I do. To have him there to remind me that I'm beautiful, that he loves me, that I'm working hard in my current career and being rewarded for it. He's there to lick my nose when I'm sad just to make me smile and remember that life sucks some times but I'll make it through. He can serenade me on the piano, he can cuddle with me in the morning, he can make fun of my gracefulness... and he does. Of course this sounds one sided, but i'm here to give him a hug when he's had a bad day, when experiements don't work. And hey, I'm GRACEFUL! his life coudn't be more exciting! I do make things interesting. I try to put a positive and/or excited spin on life. I think he likes that.... and according to him, I'm a nice piece of eye candy that's not going to go away. hehehe.

I do have a good life, though it may not always be happy. but I can't be perfect.

December

I can't believe christmas is almost here! December has flown by... It almost doesn't even feel like christmas, except...
Last night I felt a moment of the happieness christmas brings, the feeling of being together. I had christmas music playing but it wasn't until I stood up and walked over to Russ and received a big hug and a really nice kiss that I realized it felt like christmas. I said "merry christmas" and Russ was like "what?". I just told him that it felt like christmas, and very romantic. I heart Russ! He real does make me happy... even if he has to lick my nose to get me to smile sometimes.
I'm happy tonight.

Excited!

I love to be excited. It's so much more fun than being placid about life. It may seem childish to jump up and down clapping my hands or shouting EEEEE! as an excited expression, but I like it. I share my joy and excitement because too often people just keep it to themselves. I'm excited to share happy news, I'm excited to see friends or family that I have been absent from. I am getting excited to spend my first Christmas with Russ -sure we have spent Christmases together for the last 4 years, but this is the first one with JUST us. We have our own place, our own (fake) christmas tree, we can plan to do whatever we want. We can invent new traditions, we can just be with each other!
Sure christmas and what it means to me has changed over the years, but one thing that stays the same: for me christmas is about family (and I love mine (most of the time) so it's not too bittersweet seeing them), it's about the love and support they give you and the love that you can return to them.
My mom really misses me, I can tell. my family was trying to work things out to come visit me this holiday season, but it's just too expensive for 4 people to fly, and who knows what the weather will be like for driving. So my parents are paying for me to come visit in January. It will be fun seeing them, and I'm happy that Russ wants to come (and is coming) too!
I like being happy -it's so much more fun than just wasting your life being sad/upset/indifferent. Sure it may seem childish or just girly to act so excited, but that's who I am.

So last weekend I was a little bored with just watching TV/movies and even wanted to do more than reading my book.... So I brought up my iTunes and re-found the Concordia Choir's (my year, 2008) recording session where we sang some wonderful songs including this marriage by Eric Whitacre, i carry your heart arranged by Rene Clausen himself, and the wonderful Schnittke choral piece, mvt 2. I cried during Schnittke -it is an amazing song, it gives me chills. Plus I am able to remember how awsome and difficult it was to put the song together. I miss being a part of the Concordia Choir! Singing under Dr Rene Clausen was indescribable. It was an experience full of fun, passion, hard work, true musical quality, teamwork... It was one of the best experiences of my life. vocal music means so much to me that working with others who are so talented and so willing to do our best to make that most wonderful music... awww it's amazing, magical even. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIuo_Aq5S2Y -this marriage by me! and my choir -thanks YouTube, lol) Enjoy

Lazy

I used to hate being lazy... I used to feel unproductive if I slept in past 10am.... and while I still don't care much for just sitting on my butt at home I have found comfort in some laziness. Because I can sleep in past 10 (or at least not leave my comfy bed), just to cuddle with Russ and spend time with him. I can also just sit next to Russ on the couch while we watch a show or I watch him play one of his video games. Sometimes it's lots of fun just being together. Of course I still enjoy getting out and having fun, but it is a lot tougher when you don't know too many people living near you in which to hang out with.

I still enjoy getting out into nature and I haven't really changed who I am, just finding enjoyment in different things. Being lazy can also be a good way to relax, catch up on needed sleep, rejuvenate myself... motivation is hard to get back though.... I hope to start being more active once I have my bike fixed, so I don't have to get home from work and just sit. I could enjoy the outdoors and ease into getting some more exercise.

Hopefully I can become content with just being lazy sometimes, but still have the motivation I need to have an exciting life.