Last night I had another bad dream: a break up dream.
I have had both "getting back together" dreams and break up dreams. I much prefer the getting back together dreams, so I can at least have a happy subconscious during my sleep.
The break up dreams make me sad and make me re-live what happened only in worse conditions. Last night's dream the reason for the break up was because of another girl. He didn't love me and he had this other girl right away. Thankfully that was not the case in real life. But that dream sucked!
Metaphorically, the girl could have represented his career stealing him away from me... but with an actual person, in the dream, it was much more difficult to digest.
When will the break up dreams stop? I used to hate having the nightmarish dreams that I'm running away from someone who is trying to kill me or someone I love or both... But these depressing break up dreams are almost worse. (Almost, I'm glad I don't have to many running away and hiding to stay alive dreams right now.)
Maybe tonight my subconscious will decide that I should be happy and I'll get a restful night's sleep and a good dream. All I can do is hope.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thrilling to Lonely
Single again. It's a lot to get used to.
I just went on an unexpected date on Thursday. I had a great time! I shared and listened to stories. I laughed and smiled, probably even blushed. I was myself. Fun, bubbly, geeky, and weird. Apparently I'm worth it though, even with my quirks. Thrilling! I was on such an adrenaline high. I sounded happy. I felt happy.
But then there are also the lonely times. i haven't been completely alone for a while. I'm still living with my ex until we can work out the housing situation, but he's gone this week. It's so different being "home alone." It really does emphasize the "alone" part. Music and TV can only distract you so much.
Dreaming about the future is so much different now. I don' t have a clue what could happen, where I'll be in 5 years, or where I'll be next year for that matter. How do you plan when the unexpected pops up and your world is completely shifted? Sure, I have all the options in the world available for me to decide between. But there are so many options, where do I begin?
The single life is made up of ups and downs. Any life does. I'm just a stranger to the single life. How does it work again? The problem is that most things have stayed the same, so far. Originally I thought having my own place would be ideal. But after one day of being "completely" alone... I'm not sure any more. It's a big change.
I believe I can do it. I can handle the change. But I find I need to remind myself of this fact, so that situations are not so overwhelming.
One foot in front of the other... one step at a time... one moment to the next... Wish me luck. It could be a long road.
I just went on an unexpected date on Thursday. I had a great time! I shared and listened to stories. I laughed and smiled, probably even blushed. I was myself. Fun, bubbly, geeky, and weird. Apparently I'm worth it though, even with my quirks. Thrilling! I was on such an adrenaline high. I sounded happy. I felt happy.
But then there are also the lonely times. i haven't been completely alone for a while. I'm still living with my ex until we can work out the housing situation, but he's gone this week. It's so different being "home alone." It really does emphasize the "alone" part. Music and TV can only distract you so much.
Dreaming about the future is so much different now. I don' t have a clue what could happen, where I'll be in 5 years, or where I'll be next year for that matter. How do you plan when the unexpected pops up and your world is completely shifted? Sure, I have all the options in the world available for me to decide between. But there are so many options, where do I begin?
The single life is made up of ups and downs. Any life does. I'm just a stranger to the single life. How does it work again? The problem is that most things have stayed the same, so far. Originally I thought having my own place would be ideal. But after one day of being "completely" alone... I'm not sure any more. It's a big change.
I believe I can do it. I can handle the change. But I find I need to remind myself of this fact, so that situations are not so overwhelming.
One foot in front of the other... one step at a time... one moment to the next... Wish me luck. It could be a long road.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
No More Compromises
I hope I don't turn into a bitch...
I used to be a person who could make compromises work. I thought if I would give a little, others would give a little too. Apparently I was wrong. No more giving up stir fry, because he doesn't like it. No more staying at home when I would rather go out. No more compromising with anyone who won't compromise with me.
I know relationships should be a give and take... but I refuse to be the only one giving. I guess that should have been a warning sign. It was nothing big -there were enough compromises there -it was the small things I "had" to give up to make sure things worked out.
What can a girl do? Hopefully this decision will not leave me lonely forever.
I used to be a person who could make compromises work. I thought if I would give a little, others would give a little too. Apparently I was wrong. No more giving up stir fry, because he doesn't like it. No more staying at home when I would rather go out. No more compromising with anyone who won't compromise with me.
I know relationships should be a give and take... but I refuse to be the only one giving. I guess that should have been a warning sign. It was nothing big -there were enough compromises there -it was the small things I "had" to give up to make sure things worked out.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Silly Childish Fantasies
Love.
They say it's "all you need" and that it "never fails," but that is not true.
I have found out, after 5 years of a loving relationship, that love is not enough. Love was and is still there in a way, but it wasn't enough to make it through life. Life came in with not-enough-time, focus-on-career, and can't-get-what-you-need, so love failed me.
I should know better to believe in "happily ever afters" and I do know that love takes work and compromise, but I didn't imagine it would FAIL completely.
I'm sad because love failed. There was no "how can we work this out." It seemed so black and white. "I am focusing on my career (stop)." "It's been stressful for me at work and at home (stop)." Where's the compromise? Where's the what-if-we-try-this?
I'm mourning the death of love, and it's killing me to think that love is not as powerful as I had come to believe. Where do I go from here, dear void? Can the love that NEVER fails exist? My reality has changed. What do I believe in now?
They say it's "all you need" and that it "never fails," but that is not true.
I have found out, after 5 years of a loving relationship, that love is not enough. Love was and is still there in a way, but it wasn't enough to make it through life. Life came in with not-enough-time, focus-on-career, and can't-get-what-you-need, so love failed me.
I should know better to believe in "happily ever afters" and I do know that love takes work and compromise, but I didn't imagine it would FAIL completely.
I'm sad because love failed. There was no "how can we work this out." It seemed so black and white. "I am focusing on my career (stop)." "It's been stressful for me at work and at home (stop)." Where's the compromise? Where's the what-if-we-try-this?
I'm mourning the death of love, and it's killing me to think that love is not as powerful as I had come to believe. Where do I go from here, dear void? Can the love that NEVER fails exist? My reality has changed. What do I believe in now?
Monday, December 21, 2009
Logic doesn't always work...
So I have been feeling one of two things...
like a fraud, rather incompetent, and very lucky.
How does this work?
Well, as to the first, there are many factors:
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it is so stressful not having a plan or direction. I've been thinking that I want to apply my degree in psychology to the work I want to do, and be recognized for doing. But I don't know if I want to be a counselor, a therapist, or a clinical psychologist. What's worse is I don't know if I want to pursue futher degrees. I came to the conclusion that I would only get a Masters in a field so I could be licensed. but then what good would that do if I can't get the job I end up wanting, PLUS it costs so much to go back to school only for a masters. Well maybe I could try for a Doctret... but I remember not being all that fond of research. I don't know if I could handle the work, having school take over my life again.... I like having a 9 to 5 job where I don't have to bring work home with me. But I feel like I could DO and BE so much more.
2. I don't know how I became a music major. I can't even play the freakin' piano. Russ is so talented at sight reading or just being able to play. It takes me so long to attempt to get through a song and I can't seem to read the notes. I haven't sang in so long, who knows if I'd be good any more. my dreams in this area seem to slip away. I miss all that I accomplished at Concordia. I miss my choir. I'm so emotional when it comes to the music aspect of my life... I almost feel like it's gone -I do enjoy it though, when Russ decides to serenade me with piano music -but thaa's a good part.
3. My weight... I"ve gained so much since last December (when I was lonely enough and in a way depressed enough to eat and not care. I don't ift into any of my size 10 pants, some of the shirts I had are too tight. I have a stomache pouch. because of the type of shirt I was wearing today, some old man asked me how far along I was.... it's depressing. But the point is that I want to work out to try and lose this weight. and my drive seems strong when I leave work. But by the time I arrive at home, I'm tired and can't make myself get into the workout mode. I think the HARDEST part is knowing that I can lose the weight, and not being able to make it happen. As of summer 2008, I was fitting into size 10 jeans, and only 160 lbs. I know it can be done! But I can't seem to do it. I like sweets too much, I'm too lazy, and it's sad.
Ok... that's enoug of the bad side for now...
on the other hand, I'm so lucky to have Russ. To have his support in all that I do. To have him there to remind me that I'm beautiful, that he loves me, that I'm working hard in my current career and being rewarded for it. He's there to lick my nose when I'm sad just to make me smile and remember that life sucks some times but I'll make it through. He can serenade me on the piano, he can cuddle with me in the morning, he can make fun of my gracefulness... and he does. Of course this sounds one sided, but i'm here to give him a hug when he's had a bad day, when experiements don't work. And hey, I'm GRACEFUL! his life coudn't be more exciting! I do make things interesting. I try to put a positive and/or excited spin on life. I think he likes that.... and according to him, I'm a nice piece of eye candy that's not going to go away. hehehe.
I do have a good life, though it may not always be happy. but I can't be perfect.
like a fraud, rather incompetent, and very lucky.
How does this work?
Well, as to the first, there are many factors:
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it is so stressful not having a plan or direction. I've been thinking that I want to apply my degree in psychology to the work I want to do, and be recognized for doing. But I don't know if I want to be a counselor, a therapist, or a clinical psychologist. What's worse is I don't know if I want to pursue futher degrees. I came to the conclusion that I would only get a Masters in a field so I could be licensed. but then what good would that do if I can't get the job I end up wanting, PLUS it costs so much to go back to school only for a masters. Well maybe I could try for a Doctret... but I remember not being all that fond of research. I don't know if I could handle the work, having school take over my life again.... I like having a 9 to 5 job where I don't have to bring work home with me. But I feel like I could DO and BE so much more.
2. I don't know how I became a music major. I can't even play the freakin' piano. Russ is so talented at sight reading or just being able to play. It takes me so long to attempt to get through a song and I can't seem to read the notes. I haven't sang in so long, who knows if I'd be good any more. my dreams in this area seem to slip away. I miss all that I accomplished at Concordia. I miss my choir. I'm so emotional when it comes to the music aspect of my life... I almost feel like it's gone -I do enjoy it though, when Russ decides to serenade me with piano music -but thaa's a good part.
3. My weight... I"ve gained so much since last December (when I was lonely enough and in a way depressed enough to eat and not care. I don't ift into any of my size 10 pants, some of the shirts I had are too tight. I have a stomache pouch. because of the type of shirt I was wearing today, some old man asked me how far along I was.... it's depressing. But the point is that I want to work out to try and lose this weight. and my drive seems strong when I leave work. But by the time I arrive at home, I'm tired and can't make myself get into the workout mode. I think the HARDEST part is knowing that I can lose the weight, and not being able to make it happen. As of summer 2008, I was fitting into size 10 jeans, and only 160 lbs. I know it can be done! But I can't seem to do it. I like sweets too much, I'm too lazy, and it's sad.
Ok... that's enoug of the bad side for now...
on the other hand, I'm so lucky to have Russ. To have his support in all that I do. To have him there to remind me that I'm beautiful, that he loves me, that I'm working hard in my current career and being rewarded for it. He's there to lick my nose when I'm sad just to make me smile and remember that life sucks some times but I'll make it through. He can serenade me on the piano, he can cuddle with me in the morning, he can make fun of my gracefulness... and he does. Of course this sounds one sided, but i'm here to give him a hug when he's had a bad day, when experiements don't work. And hey, I'm GRACEFUL! his life coudn't be more exciting! I do make things interesting. I try to put a positive and/or excited spin on life. I think he likes that.... and according to him, I'm a nice piece of eye candy that's not going to go away. hehehe.
I do have a good life, though it may not always be happy. but I can't be perfect.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
December
I can't believe christmas is almost here! December has flown by... It almost doesn't even feel like christmas, except...
Last night I felt a moment of the happieness christmas brings, the feeling of being together. I had christmas music playing but it wasn't until I stood up and walked over to Russ and received a big hug and a really nice kiss that I realized it felt like christmas. I said "merry christmas" and Russ was like "what?". I just told him that it felt like christmas, and very romantic. I heart Russ! He real does make me happy... even if he has to lick my nose to get me to smile sometimes.
I'm happy tonight.
Last night I felt a moment of the happieness christmas brings, the feeling of being together. I had christmas music playing but it wasn't until I stood up and walked over to Russ and received a big hug and a really nice kiss that I realized it felt like christmas. I said "merry christmas" and Russ was like "what?". I just told him that it felt like christmas, and very romantic. I heart Russ! He real does make me happy... even if he has to lick my nose to get me to smile sometimes.
I'm happy tonight.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Excited!
I love to be excited. It's so much more fun than being placid about life. It may seem childish to jump up and down clapping my hands or shouting EEEEE! as an excited expression, but I like it. I share my joy and excitement because too often people just keep it to themselves. I'm excited to share happy news, I'm excited to see friends or family that I have been absent from. I am getting excited to spend my first Christmas with Russ -sure we have spent Christmases together for the last 4 years, but this is the first one with JUST us. We have our own place, our own (fake) christmas tree, we can plan to do whatever we want. We can invent new traditions, we can just be with each other!
Sure christmas and what it means to me has changed over the years, but one thing that stays the same: for me christmas is about family (and I love mine (most of the time) so it's not too bittersweet seeing them), it's about the love and support they give you and the love that you can return to them.
My mom really misses me, I can tell. my family was trying to work things out to come visit me this holiday season, but it's just too expensive for 4 people to fly, and who knows what the weather will be like for driving. So my parents are paying for me to come visit in January. It will be fun seeing them, and I'm happy that Russ wants to come (and is coming) too!
I like being happy -it's so much more fun than just wasting your life being sad/upset/indifferent. Sure it may seem childish or just girly to act so excited, but that's who I am.
Sure christmas and what it means to me has changed over the years, but one thing that stays the same: for me christmas is about family (and I love mine (most of the time) so it's not too bittersweet seeing them), it's about the love and support they give you and the love that you can return to them.
My mom really misses me, I can tell. my family was trying to work things out to come visit me this holiday season, but it's just too expensive for 4 people to fly, and who knows what the weather will be like for driving. So my parents are paying for me to come visit in January. It will be fun seeing them, and I'm happy that Russ wants to come (and is coming) too!
I like being happy -it's so much more fun than just wasting your life being sad/upset/indifferent. Sure it may seem childish or just girly to act so excited, but that's who I am.
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