Sometimes I forget

I feel silly when I do forget. But all I need to do is bring it up so Tim knows too.

This last week was super busy for Tim and me, we didn't have as much time to talk as we usually do. I was trying to wait to ask him if he was sure if he wanted to throw me into his life -since he is already busy and seems stressed out when I talk to him (right after work). I was trying to work until it could be a "good time" for him, since he's been moving all weekend.

It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I think I was feeling less confident that he really wants me.

He does.

When I finally asked if he was ready to add me, since he's busy, he said with all the conviction in the world that he wanted me. He reminded me that I am the one that he wasn't looking for at the time. I'm the one he wants to share things with, go out with, say good morning to, cuddle with, find in the morning. There is no question that he wants me.

I told him I was trying to wait so he wouldn't be stressed about this too... and you know what he said back to me? He said he wanted me to be myself. He didn't seem to like the idea of me figuring out when I just need to let him alone. He said that if I wanted to be near him, do it.

He wants me. I'm having a harder time believing it than I thought I would. Why would he want me? But he does. And I know that for sure! He's my Tim and I'm his Kari Lynn. I want to be his girl -like nothing else. He adores me. Me and all my imperfections. He loves me and he wants Me!

I adore him. I want him. He's the man I want to have adventures with. He makes me smile. I want to make him smile as much as I can. Especially if that means I can be as punny as possible. I really hit the jackpot, unexpectedly. That's the person you should be with. Someone who wants you for you.

Tim is mine. And I'm tickled pink that I get to be his.

I love Tim. There is no reason I should have let myself forget how much Tim loves me, but I did. But it was easy for him to remind me that he wants me. As he was saying things that he has told me before, I remembered that this isn't a joke. He wants me in his life. This long distance relationship has been as hard on him as it has been on me. But the end result is totally worth the wait.

I'm Tim's girl, exactly the way I am.

Lonely

This morning I had the most horrible feeling of loneliness. I felt sad. I felt as if I could lay in bed all day and not care. I didn't care that my stomache was arguing with me to feed it. I knew I had to get up.

I did. That was a success.

I worked out after a time of "moping" at my computer desk. I can go on. Even when I am thrown into the bowels of dispare. I was sad and lonely.

Why should I feel sad and lonely? Maybe I just need a good cry. Maybe the stress of all these life changes are catching up to me again.

I shouldn't feel lonely. Tim is a wonderful boyfriend (proven as talking to him earlier today made me feel better). He really cares for me and wants to be with me. Maybe it's the long distance aspect that is taking it's toll on me. I miss him so much. I wanted to be there for him this week while he was SO stressed out and a lot of changes came his way as well. But I couldn't be there to give him a hug and SHOW him how much he means to me. I could listen, and I did listen. But I wanted to be there.

I also have a lot of friends, but I can't always see them. Maybe living by myself fis taking a toll as well. It started with me not wanting to do dishes. I still don't want to do the dishes and I am comforted that I don't have to because I am the only one who will or won't care. On the other side, It's sad that I don't have to do anything.

...This was written on 6/18, and I was happy to talk to Tim. He called and I told him I was sad and we talked about it...

And now today (after a wonderful spontaneous visit from Tim) I am feeling sad again.

I really did not want Tim to leave. We have such a great connection. I hope this is simply a down after the high that I've been feeling with Tim this weekend. I really think that what we have is more than just good feelings. But when he's gone, and I'm sad, I do wonder just a little bit...

I know I've been able to be happy by myself, going out with friends and staying busy here... but after this trip I am feeling slightly depressed. After the other trips to see Tim, I have been able to relax and have some "me time"... but I just miss him so much now.

I tried to find someone to hang out with tonight, so I wouldn't be alone... but that didn't work. So here I am - alone. It is very lonely to live by yourself. I'm such a people person... I like having my own place, but it does get lonely.

Surprisingly, my music doesn't seem to be helping much either. I can't seem to find the right music to listen to. :(

I realy just need to talk this out with someone. I hope Tim will feel up for a chat tonight. Or if Heather gets my message, I would really like to talk with her.

Breathe in, Breathe out. I can do this. (Perhaps this is because my monthly visitor is coming soon) or maybe I am a little emotionally unstable. I have had a lot of changes. Maybe I'm not ready for this all.

No. These changes are necessary and I need to work through them. Tim has already said that he can wait. I'm nervous about my living arrangements in Seattle.

It would be easier to move in with Tim, but a part of me fears that could damage our relationship... I don't think it will but it's still a worry I have.

Breathe in, Breathe out. I just need to continue to talk this out and find out what's best for me. I can do this. Life is worth the adventure, even with the fear of the unknown. I just need to continue to believe that.

Leaving ABQ behind

I am preparing to leave Albuquerque behind. I have had a good stay and plenty of adventures but it is time to turn the page and move on with my life.

It is good to move on. I wasn't sure at first whether I would continue to stay in Albuquerque or not for a while. I knew I would leave eventually. What better time to start anew than this. I am currently unhappy with my job, really want to get back on the music scene, and have a wonderful boyfriend who adores me.

Seattle will be a great place to get closer to my goals. Plus I think it is time for a change of scenery. I am excited that I won't have to start from scratch getting to know people and making friends. My best friend currently lives there and has some connections. I am confident that I have learned plenty of skills to continue to make my own friends as well.

Tim is also someone who likes to go out, be social, and have fun. I think, as a couple, we will make many other new friends together as well.

Each day I am getting more and more ready to leave Albuquerque behind and continue my life in Seattle.

Being Passionate

No more complacency for me!

I do love to be happy and it would be great to stay there all the time. However, I have discovered that it is much better to experience the extreme happiness and even the lowest of lows than to stay at the same level of indifference.

I am fortunate right now in being extremely giddy! It is a great feeling. Plus I think I'm giddy for a good reason. I know the serious times will come even within the happiness I have found. But I am prepared to share that as well as my joy.

Sooner or later, I expect that I will need to experience sadness again. For me, it is good to have a good cry every once in a while to let out all the bottled up emotions and stress that plagues the back of my mind. I will learn to accept this as a good part of me as well as my happiness. While I love to be a happy Kari, I require some time to reflect and be aware of my emotions good and bad.

I am thankful that I am happy and living life to its fullest right now. Now that I have accepted that I cannot control and plan my life at this time, I am able to enjoy the moment. Living in the moment has been a great experience, but I will look forward to making plans again someday. Perhaps it will be sooner than expected.

It's a sad situation, the end of things always seem to have some amount of sadness, but I'm glad my friends and family tell me that I seem much happier. I am happier. It feels weird to admit this, I'm not sure how long I had expected to be in a slump but it really wasn't long.

Once the end started, I grieved. I was expecting that. But I also had such a weight lifted from my shoulders that I didn't realize I could be both sad and happy. It's crazy how the people who are important to me can tell me that I seem much happier and I don't realize the truth in it until they tell me!

I am so fortunate to have such wonderful friends and a support group that, well, loves me. Why would someone care about my state of being unless they love me? I always try to be the best person I can and to be caring and supportive myself. Maybe I haven't felt like I needed to solely rely on my support group before. I have always known I make a good impression on people and I am generally likable. But to see so many people jump to my aid when I needed it most was something I never truly expected.

I was afraid of feeling alone and to be stuck with only my thoughts. Sometimes I hate the constant thinking, wondering, worrying... I know it is still there in the back of my mind -making sure I keep a foot on the ground and a check on reality every once in a while. But it is freeing to be able to tackle one problem or issue at a time. One step at a time and I will get things figured out for the best.

Currently I am happy :) I like it!

Why do I cry?

Last night I cried.

Then I wondered why I cried. Was it because I want him to take me back? Is it because I still want him? Am I just looking for attention? Why was I crying?

Well, I'm not sure I know what love really is any more. I guess I find out when I get there. I know he is not going to try to get me back. I think I have accepted that for the most part. So why was I crying?

I gave it some more thought. And I have come up with the answer. It has to do with multiple feelings including sadness, fear, and self-pity because of one truth: I was unwanted.

He didn't want me. He "loved and cared" about me, but he didn't want me. All of his love for me wasn't enough for him to want to keep me.

I don't want to be unwanted. I deserve to be wanted. So I cried because I was sad that I had been unwanted. Because I am afraid that maybe no one will want me. I don't want to be alone in this world. And maybe because I pity myself -if I'm unwanted no one else should be sad for me - Who would really care about the emotional battle within me?

Betrayed

I can't shake this feeling. I feel so betrayed. By him.

Obviously, this is another stage that must pass. I feel so much hatred and anger towards him. I don't like being a hateful person.

I have cried s few times recently. I'm not sure if it's because of all the hate I feel, the need to let the emotion go, or that I'm so unhappy because I am hateful.

It comes after having too much time to think. I struggle with thinking that this is only hard on me. Is he going through this? Truthfully, I hope he is. I hope he is having a hard time accepting this change too.

I want to move past this stage soon. I hate being unhappy and hateful. I want to be happy again. I want to smile and laugh again (and not just every once in a while because I'm out on the town). I don't want to keep my eyes down when I'm around him -which until May is a lot more time than I would like -so that he doesn't see how unhappy I am and how angry I am at him.

There is too much to think about: who gets what, what are we going to try to sell, where should I live, how long will I stay there, how long should I stay at my job, what about the guys who are interested in me, do I really want to go back to school, can I afford to go back to school, what about my car that is dying, who would help me get a good deal on a new car? I think those are the main questions... and they are NOT small questions... a lot of them are life altering questions...

So many life altering questions are difficult to deal with at one time.

Breathe in, breathe out.... wish me luck. I hope I can find some dreams that I want to achieve, then I can have some direction in my life.

Miserable

I don't want to be miserable.

I don't like being in the dark. Especially when it's my future that is so unknown.

I used to have a plan. Or at least an idea of what the "next 5 years" might perhaps look like.

Now I have nothing. I could stay just where I am, without plans for marriage or a family. I could just focus on being happy in the moment. And that is kind of what I have been doing. But then I realized that I'm not exceptionally happy in my current job and the status quo is not going to change without me doing something.

Does that mean moving out of Albuquerque to go to school? Does that mean just trying to find another job and starting at the bottom of the food chain again?

I also found out that I'm dreading the inevitable move... I was all ready to stay in one place for a few years and now it might be back to packing up and moving every year or so. Not looking forward to that. I'm stressed that I don't know how long I should take out a lease for... will I be able to stay somewhere for a whole year -what if I decide to change something in my life, like where I live, and I don't want to stay the lease. What if I get stuck in a rut and don't do what I need to? What if I stay just because that is what I know?

I feel so miserable that I haven't tried to figure any of this out yet. I'm just sitting here. Doing "nothing" it seems. But then I become upset and sad when I think of the reasons I need to figure my life on my own.

I thought I was being pretty good moving on, on my own. I wasn't as heart broken as I thought I might be that I didn't have someone to love me. I know I can be loved and I am lovable. I'm not unworthy for love. I know I deserve to be loved. Thank goodness I am a confident person. Otherwise this could have been a much worse experience. But I shake my own confidence sometimes when I don't know or can't decide what the next step should be.

Hopefully I will get past this frame of mind soon. I would rather be smiling.

I hate him.

Are boys blind to dirt and grim and gross!?

Why should I have to ask him to clean up after he cooks? It is his decision to work out, eat right, and cook. Why shouldn't he be expected to clean too. It's not like he has a "little woman" or a mother to clean up after his messes anymore. He claimed he didn't even realize it was messy!!

I purposely didn't clean up after his mess (although it was bothering me to have a dirty kitchen) over the last few days. When it was still a mess tonight, and I needed to do a few hand washing dishes anyway, I did all the dishes and cleaned the nasty stove. It was PACKED with grease and dried crusty crap! and it took a lot of scrubbing and the Magic Eraser to even do some good.

He needs to get used to taking care of himself. And he should have more respect for me and my want to have a clean kitchen. I know we are both busy and things don't always get clean right away... but a few DAYS is too much!

Gross.

Where did the ethics go?

I am a quality friend.

I'm honest. I want to help my friends succeed. I want to be here for them through the good and the bad. I listen to their problems and help them see different perspectives or give my advice if they want it. I want to be here to encourage them, support them, share my good times, make them smile and see the world through rose colored glasses...

I was talking to someone today who is trying to quit drinking pop. Currently he drink 2 LARGE pops a day. Wow! When I commented that it's his battle (saying my advice didn't have to be taken), but supporters usually help you win the battle; he said he didn't have any supporters. I asked him what kind of friends he had, because that made NO sense to me. Why, if you tell your friends what you are trying to do, aren't they at least supporting your decision if not encouraging you to meet your goal?

I forgot... people aren't like that any more. I told him that if a friend wanted support to quit something, I would be there. He commented that that makes me an exceptional friend! While i was happy for the compliment; I was also sad that people don't care any more. Not many have those "old fashioned" values and ethics. No wonder society is going down the toilet.

How did I become this way while everyone else could care less? I've always wanted to feel loved. My dad was strict, in a cold way sometimes. i always wanted to do my best to please him, and the rest of my family. And I wanted people to be proud of me. People's opinions of me mattered. I wanted to be the best person I could. I worked hard. I succeeded. I did my best.

I also was picked on. Not in the bully type way. But WORSE! I was a girl and I tried to be friends with girls. But girls are SO mean! They don't beat you up, they back stab you, they crush your dreams. They belittle your existence. I'm glad I found true friends, with similar values in High School or who knows what would have happened. I never wanted to treat someone the way I was treated for so long growing up. Maybe that's why I am so "real."

I wanted my actions to be reciprocated. I almost started tearing up while I was reading a Christmas card from my best friend. She thanked me for being a wonderful, supportive, and attentive friend, confidant, advisor and sympathizer. She also mentioned that she hoped she was reciprocating... I'm glad she cares!

I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask for? It seems to me that I am making it very easy for someone to love me. I try to be my best and to be there for my friends and work hard at everything I do. Why does it seem like I work too hard to gain some one's love or respect? Well that is me. All I can do is hope for love in return.

Landslide -Fleetwood Mac

"Well I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you...
But time makes you bolder, children get older. I'm getting older too."

So my big life change is intimidating. Change is hard whether we accept it or not. This song reminded me that I am getting older, though not running out of time, I can use my experiences to move on and continue to grow.

I'm a committed person. I was starting to build my life around him in a way that could support us both. But now that the support is broken, I have to commit myself to me.

I am bold. I am confident in my successes and and my continued drive to move forward and remain myself. I'm not as fragile as I may feel sometimes.

I think I can. Whatever that means to you, it means to me that I am worth it. To someone I am or will be worth the time and the effort. I am me.

A Time to Cry

So I was going though my yahoo mailbox folder labeled "from Russell." I knew I needed to delete them. I also knew that I wanted to read them one last time, and that by doing so may bring up some heavy emotions that I haven't finished experiencing yet.

He loved me. Why would he not want to make time for me? I'm sad.

I came upon one email that sad "I'm always here for you, even when I'm swamped with hw myself. Don't hesitate to call me if you need to talk. You mean so much to me. I don't know what I'd do without you." That one really got me.

I know people can change, priorities can change, everything can change. But I was a firm believer that we could make our own priorities and have some control over what we wanted and how things turned out.

I have since then learned that Love is not enough. That ones priorities shape what one REALLY wants. He could have wanted me. But his want for me was not enough. He wanted his career. He may have cared for me, but not more than his career and his own betterment.

Sure he said that he didn't want to hold me back and wanted me to have the attention I deserved.... But he didn't even bring up other options or try to work things out. For him it was in or out. And he decided that out was easier and better for him.

What are my priorities now? I remember earlier this year, I had decided that this year I would work on getting proposed to and moving our relationship to the next step (and status). That's not going to work any more.

Now I'm learning how to be single again. Not only that I also have to see Russ and work on a friendship with the person who broke my heart. I know I'm capable of loving again, whatever that means. But now I have to face life "alone." I hate being lonely, but I have to "get used to" that again.

So for now, I'll cry and mourn the death of our relationship (and any plans of the future that I may have had) and try to not to hate being lonely. Why? I may never understand completely. I wish I could believe... but I'm finding it hard to do.

Bad Dreams

Last night I had another bad dream: a break up dream.

I have had both "getting back together" dreams and break up dreams. I much prefer the getting back together dreams, so I can at least have a happy subconscious during my sleep.

The break up dreams make me sad and make me re-live what happened only in worse conditions. Last night's dream the reason for the break up was because of another girl. He didn't love me and he had this other girl right away. Thankfully that was not the case in real life. But that dream sucked!

Metaphorically, the girl could have represented his career stealing him away from me... but with an actual person, in the dream, it was much more difficult to digest.

When will the break up dreams stop? I used to hate having the nightmarish dreams that I'm running away from someone who is trying to kill me or someone I love or both... But these depressing break up dreams are almost worse. (Almost, I'm glad I don't have to many running away and hiding to stay alive dreams right now.)

Maybe tonight my subconscious will decide that I should be happy and I'll get a restful night's sleep and a good dream. All I can do is hope.

Thrilling to Lonely

Single again. It's a lot to get used to.

I just went on an unexpected date on Thursday. I had a great time! I shared and listened to stories. I laughed and smiled, probably even blushed. I was myself. Fun, bubbly, geeky, and weird. Apparently I'm worth it though, even with my quirks. Thrilling! I was on such an adrenaline high. I sounded happy. I felt happy.

But then there are also the lonely times. i haven't been completely alone for a while. I'm still living with my ex until we can work out the housing situation, but he's gone this week. It's so different being "home alone." It really does emphasize the "alone" part. Music and TV can only distract you so much.

Dreaming about the future is so much different now. I don' t have a clue what could happen, where I'll be in 5 years, or where I'll be next year for that matter. How do you plan when the unexpected pops up and your world is completely shifted? Sure, I have all the options in the world available for me to decide between. But there are so many options, where do I begin?

The single life is made up of ups and downs. Any life does. I'm just a stranger to the single life. How does it work again? The problem is that most things have stayed the same, so far. Originally I thought having my own place would be ideal. But after one day of being "completely" alone... I'm not sure any more. It's a big change.

I believe I can do it. I can handle the change. But I find I need to remind myself of this fact, so that situations are not so overwhelming.

One foot in front of the other... one step at a time... one moment to the next... Wish me luck. It could be a long road.

No More Compromises

I hope I don't turn into a bitch...

I used to be a person who could make compromises work. I thought if I would give a little, others would give a little too. Apparently I was wrong. No more giving up stir fry, because he doesn't like it. No more staying at home when I would rather go out. No more compromising with anyone who won't compromise with me.

I know relationships should be a give and take... but I refuse to be the only one giving. I guess that should have been a warning sign. It was nothing big -there were enough compromises there -it was the small things I "had" to give up to make sure things worked out.

What can a girl do? Hopefully this decision will not leave me lonely forever.

Silly Childish Fantasies

Love.

They say it's "all you need" and that it "never fails," but that is not true.

I have found out, after 5 years of a loving relationship, that love is not enough. Love was and is still there in a way, but it wasn't enough to make it through life. Life came in with not-enough-time, focus-on-career, and can't-get-what-you-need, so love failed me.

I should know better to believe in "happily ever afters" and I do know that love takes work and compromise, but I didn't imagine it would FAIL completely.

I'm sad because love failed. There was no "how can we work this out." It seemed so black and white. "I am focusing on my career (stop)." "It's been stressful for me at work and at home (stop)." Where's the compromise? Where's the what-if-we-try-this?

I'm mourning the death of love, and it's killing me to think that love is not as powerful as I had come to believe. Where do I go from here, dear void? Can the love that NEVER fails exist? My reality has changed. What do I believe in now?

Logic doesn't always work...

So I have been feeling one of two things...

like a fraud, rather incompetent, and very lucky.

How does this work?

Well, as to the first, there are many factors:
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it is so stressful not having a plan or direction. I've been thinking that I want to apply my degree in psychology to the work I want to do, and be recognized for doing. But I don't know if I want to be a counselor, a therapist, or a clinical psychologist. What's worse is I don't know if I want to pursue futher degrees. I came to the conclusion that I would only get a Masters in a field so I could be licensed. but then what good would that do if I can't get the job I end up wanting, PLUS it costs so much to go back to school only for a masters. Well maybe I could try for a Doctret... but I remember not being all that fond of research. I don't know if I could handle the work, having school take over my life again.... I like having a 9 to 5 job where I don't have to bring work home with me. But I feel like I could DO and BE so much more.

2. I don't know how I became a music major. I can't even play the freakin' piano. Russ is so talented at sight reading or just being able to play. It takes me so long to attempt to get through a song and I can't seem to read the notes. I haven't sang in so long, who knows if I'd be good any more. my dreams in this area seem to slip away. I miss all that I accomplished at Concordia. I miss my choir. I'm so emotional when it comes to the music aspect of my life... I almost feel like it's gone -I do enjoy it though, when Russ decides to serenade me with piano music -but thaa's a good part.

3. My weight... I"ve gained so much since last December (when I was lonely enough and in a way depressed enough to eat and not care. I don't ift into any of my size 10 pants, some of the shirts I had are too tight. I have a stomache pouch. because of the type of shirt I was wearing today, some old man asked me how far along I was.... it's depressing. But the point is that I want to work out to try and lose this weight. and my drive seems strong when I leave work. But by the time I arrive at home, I'm tired and can't make myself get into the workout mode. I think the HARDEST part is knowing that I can lose the weight, and not being able to make it happen. As of summer 2008, I was fitting into size 10 jeans, and only 160 lbs. I know it can be done! But I can't seem to do it. I like sweets too much, I'm too lazy, and it's sad.

Ok... that's enoug of the bad side for now...
on the other hand, I'm so lucky to have Russ. To have his support in all that I do. To have him there to remind me that I'm beautiful, that he loves me, that I'm working hard in my current career and being rewarded for it. He's there to lick my nose when I'm sad just to make me smile and remember that life sucks some times but I'll make it through. He can serenade me on the piano, he can cuddle with me in the morning, he can make fun of my gracefulness... and he does. Of course this sounds one sided, but i'm here to give him a hug when he's had a bad day, when experiements don't work. And hey, I'm GRACEFUL! his life coudn't be more exciting! I do make things interesting. I try to put a positive and/or excited spin on life. I think he likes that.... and according to him, I'm a nice piece of eye candy that's not going to go away. hehehe.

I do have a good life, though it may not always be happy. but I can't be perfect.

December

I can't believe christmas is almost here! December has flown by... It almost doesn't even feel like christmas, except...
Last night I felt a moment of the happieness christmas brings, the feeling of being together. I had christmas music playing but it wasn't until I stood up and walked over to Russ and received a big hug and a really nice kiss that I realized it felt like christmas. I said "merry christmas" and Russ was like "what?". I just told him that it felt like christmas, and very romantic. I heart Russ! He real does make me happy... even if he has to lick my nose to get me to smile sometimes.
I'm happy tonight.

Excited!

I love to be excited. It's so much more fun than being placid about life. It may seem childish to jump up and down clapping my hands or shouting EEEEE! as an excited expression, but I like it. I share my joy and excitement because too often people just keep it to themselves. I'm excited to share happy news, I'm excited to see friends or family that I have been absent from. I am getting excited to spend my first Christmas with Russ -sure we have spent Christmases together for the last 4 years, but this is the first one with JUST us. We have our own place, our own (fake) christmas tree, we can plan to do whatever we want. We can invent new traditions, we can just be with each other!
Sure christmas and what it means to me has changed over the years, but one thing that stays the same: for me christmas is about family (and I love mine (most of the time) so it's not too bittersweet seeing them), it's about the love and support they give you and the love that you can return to them.
My mom really misses me, I can tell. my family was trying to work things out to come visit me this holiday season, but it's just too expensive for 4 people to fly, and who knows what the weather will be like for driving. So my parents are paying for me to come visit in January. It will be fun seeing them, and I'm happy that Russ wants to come (and is coming) too!
I like being happy -it's so much more fun than just wasting your life being sad/upset/indifferent. Sure it may seem childish or just girly to act so excited, but that's who I am.

So last weekend I was a little bored with just watching TV/movies and even wanted to do more than reading my book.... So I brought up my iTunes and re-found the Concordia Choir's (my year, 2008) recording session where we sang some wonderful songs including this marriage by Eric Whitacre, i carry your heart arranged by Rene Clausen himself, and the wonderful Schnittke choral piece, mvt 2. I cried during Schnittke -it is an amazing song, it gives me chills. Plus I am able to remember how awsome and difficult it was to put the song together. I miss being a part of the Concordia Choir! Singing under Dr Rene Clausen was indescribable. It was an experience full of fun, passion, hard work, true musical quality, teamwork... It was one of the best experiences of my life. vocal music means so much to me that working with others who are so talented and so willing to do our best to make that most wonderful music... awww it's amazing, magical even. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIuo_Aq5S2Y -this marriage by me! and my choir -thanks YouTube, lol) Enjoy

Lazy

I used to hate being lazy... I used to feel unproductive if I slept in past 10am.... and while I still don't care much for just sitting on my butt at home I have found comfort in some laziness. Because I can sleep in past 10 (or at least not leave my comfy bed), just to cuddle with Russ and spend time with him. I can also just sit next to Russ on the couch while we watch a show or I watch him play one of his video games. Sometimes it's lots of fun just being together. Of course I still enjoy getting out and having fun, but it is a lot tougher when you don't know too many people living near you in which to hang out with.

I still enjoy getting out into nature and I haven't really changed who I am, just finding enjoyment in different things. Being lazy can also be a good way to relax, catch up on needed sleep, rejuvenate myself... motivation is hard to get back though.... I hope to start being more active once I have my bike fixed, so I don't have to get home from work and just sit. I could enjoy the outdoors and ease into getting some more exercise.

Hopefully I can become content with just being lazy sometimes, but still have the motivation I need to have an exciting life.