So I have been feeling one of two things...
like a fraud, rather incompetent, and very lucky.
How does this work?
Well, as to the first, there are many factors:
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and it is so stressful not having a plan or direction. I've been thinking that I want to apply my degree in psychology to the work I want to do, and be recognized for doing. But I don't know if I want to be a counselor, a therapist, or a clinical psychologist. What's worse is I don't know if I want to pursue futher degrees. I came to the conclusion that I would only get a Masters in a field so I could be licensed. but then what good would that do if I can't get the job I end up wanting, PLUS it costs so much to go back to school only for a masters. Well maybe I could try for a Doctret... but I remember not being all that fond of research. I don't know if I could handle the work, having school take over my life again.... I like having a 9 to 5 job where I don't have to bring work home with me. But I feel like I could DO and BE so much more.
2. I don't know how I became a music major. I can't even play the freakin' piano. Russ is so talented at sight reading or just being able to play. It takes me so long to attempt to get through a song and I can't seem to read the notes. I haven't sang in so long, who knows if I'd be good any more. my dreams in this area seem to slip away. I miss all that I accomplished at Concordia. I miss my choir. I'm so emotional when it comes to the music aspect of my life... I almost feel like it's gone -I do enjoy it though, when Russ decides to serenade me with piano music -but thaa's a good part.
3. My weight... I"ve gained so much since last December (when I was lonely enough and in a way depressed enough to eat and not care. I don't ift into any of my size 10 pants, some of the shirts I had are too tight. I have a stomache pouch. because of the type of shirt I was wearing today, some old man asked me how far along I was.... it's depressing. But the point is that I want to work out to try and lose this weight. and my drive seems strong when I leave work. But by the time I arrive at home, I'm tired and can't make myself get into the workout mode. I think the HARDEST part is knowing that I can lose the weight, and not being able to make it happen. As of summer 2008, I was fitting into size 10 jeans, and only 160 lbs. I know it can be done! But I can't seem to do it. I like sweets too much, I'm too lazy, and it's sad.
Ok... that's enoug of the bad side for now...
on the other hand, I'm so lucky to have Russ. To have his support in all that I do. To have him there to remind me that I'm beautiful, that he loves me, that I'm working hard in my current career and being rewarded for it. He's there to lick my nose when I'm sad just to make me smile and remember that life sucks some times but I'll make it through. He can serenade me on the piano, he can cuddle with me in the morning, he can make fun of my gracefulness... and he does. Of course this sounds one sided, but i'm here to give him a hug when he's had a bad day, when experiements don't work. And hey, I'm GRACEFUL! his life coudn't be more exciting! I do make things interesting. I try to put a positive and/or excited spin on life. I think he likes that.... and according to him, I'm a nice piece of eye candy that's not going to go away. hehehe.
I do have a good life, though it may not always be happy. but I can't be perfect.
Oh Kari, I wish there were something I could do so you don't have to feel sad. Just so you know, you aren't a fraud. I think you're great!
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