A Time to Cry

So I was going though my yahoo mailbox folder labeled "from Russell." I knew I needed to delete them. I also knew that I wanted to read them one last time, and that by doing so may bring up some heavy emotions that I haven't finished experiencing yet.

He loved me. Why would he not want to make time for me? I'm sad.

I came upon one email that sad "I'm always here for you, even when I'm swamped with hw myself. Don't hesitate to call me if you need to talk. You mean so much to me. I don't know what I'd do without you." That one really got me.

I know people can change, priorities can change, everything can change. But I was a firm believer that we could make our own priorities and have some control over what we wanted and how things turned out.

I have since then learned that Love is not enough. That ones priorities shape what one REALLY wants. He could have wanted me. But his want for me was not enough. He wanted his career. He may have cared for me, but not more than his career and his own betterment.

Sure he said that he didn't want to hold me back and wanted me to have the attention I deserved.... But he didn't even bring up other options or try to work things out. For him it was in or out. And he decided that out was easier and better for him.

What are my priorities now? I remember earlier this year, I had decided that this year I would work on getting proposed to and moving our relationship to the next step (and status). That's not going to work any more.

Now I'm learning how to be single again. Not only that I also have to see Russ and work on a friendship with the person who broke my heart. I know I'm capable of loving again, whatever that means. But now I have to face life "alone." I hate being lonely, but I have to "get used to" that again.

So for now, I'll cry and mourn the death of our relationship (and any plans of the future that I may have had) and try to not to hate being lonely. Why? I may never understand completely. I wish I could believe... but I'm finding it hard to do.