Sometimes I forget

I feel silly when I do forget. But all I need to do is bring it up so Tim knows too.

This last week was super busy for Tim and me, we didn't have as much time to talk as we usually do. I was trying to wait to ask him if he was sure if he wanted to throw me into his life -since he is already busy and seems stressed out when I talk to him (right after work). I was trying to work until it could be a "good time" for him, since he's been moving all weekend.

It took me a while to put my finger on it, but I think I was feeling less confident that he really wants me.

He does.

When I finally asked if he was ready to add me, since he's busy, he said with all the conviction in the world that he wanted me. He reminded me that I am the one that he wasn't looking for at the time. I'm the one he wants to share things with, go out with, say good morning to, cuddle with, find in the morning. There is no question that he wants me.

I told him I was trying to wait so he wouldn't be stressed about this too... and you know what he said back to me? He said he wanted me to be myself. He didn't seem to like the idea of me figuring out when I just need to let him alone. He said that if I wanted to be near him, do it.

He wants me. I'm having a harder time believing it than I thought I would. Why would he want me? But he does. And I know that for sure! He's my Tim and I'm his Kari Lynn. I want to be his girl -like nothing else. He adores me. Me and all my imperfections. He loves me and he wants Me!

I adore him. I want him. He's the man I want to have adventures with. He makes me smile. I want to make him smile as much as I can. Especially if that means I can be as punny as possible. I really hit the jackpot, unexpectedly. That's the person you should be with. Someone who wants you for you.

Tim is mine. And I'm tickled pink that I get to be his.

I love Tim. There is no reason I should have let myself forget how much Tim loves me, but I did. But it was easy for him to remind me that he wants me. As he was saying things that he has told me before, I remembered that this isn't a joke. He wants me in his life. This long distance relationship has been as hard on him as it has been on me. But the end result is totally worth the wait.

I'm Tim's girl, exactly the way I am.

Lonely

This morning I had the most horrible feeling of loneliness. I felt sad. I felt as if I could lay in bed all day and not care. I didn't care that my stomache was arguing with me to feed it. I knew I had to get up.

I did. That was a success.

I worked out after a time of "moping" at my computer desk. I can go on. Even when I am thrown into the bowels of dispare. I was sad and lonely.

Why should I feel sad and lonely? Maybe I just need a good cry. Maybe the stress of all these life changes are catching up to me again.

I shouldn't feel lonely. Tim is a wonderful boyfriend (proven as talking to him earlier today made me feel better). He really cares for me and wants to be with me. Maybe it's the long distance aspect that is taking it's toll on me. I miss him so much. I wanted to be there for him this week while he was SO stressed out and a lot of changes came his way as well. But I couldn't be there to give him a hug and SHOW him how much he means to me. I could listen, and I did listen. But I wanted to be there.

I also have a lot of friends, but I can't always see them. Maybe living by myself fis taking a toll as well. It started with me not wanting to do dishes. I still don't want to do the dishes and I am comforted that I don't have to because I am the only one who will or won't care. On the other side, It's sad that I don't have to do anything.

...This was written on 6/18, and I was happy to talk to Tim. He called and I told him I was sad and we talked about it...

And now today (after a wonderful spontaneous visit from Tim) I am feeling sad again.

I really did not want Tim to leave. We have such a great connection. I hope this is simply a down after the high that I've been feeling with Tim this weekend. I really think that what we have is more than just good feelings. But when he's gone, and I'm sad, I do wonder just a little bit...

I know I've been able to be happy by myself, going out with friends and staying busy here... but after this trip I am feeling slightly depressed. After the other trips to see Tim, I have been able to relax and have some "me time"... but I just miss him so much now.

I tried to find someone to hang out with tonight, so I wouldn't be alone... but that didn't work. So here I am - alone. It is very lonely to live by yourself. I'm such a people person... I like having my own place, but it does get lonely.

Surprisingly, my music doesn't seem to be helping much either. I can't seem to find the right music to listen to. :(

I realy just need to talk this out with someone. I hope Tim will feel up for a chat tonight. Or if Heather gets my message, I would really like to talk with her.

Breathe in, Breathe out. I can do this. (Perhaps this is because my monthly visitor is coming soon) or maybe I am a little emotionally unstable. I have had a lot of changes. Maybe I'm not ready for this all.

No. These changes are necessary and I need to work through them. Tim has already said that he can wait. I'm nervous about my living arrangements in Seattle.

It would be easier to move in with Tim, but a part of me fears that could damage our relationship... I don't think it will but it's still a worry I have.

Breathe in, Breathe out. I just need to continue to talk this out and find out what's best for me. I can do this. Life is worth the adventure, even with the fear of the unknown. I just need to continue to believe that.

Leaving ABQ behind

I am preparing to leave Albuquerque behind. I have had a good stay and plenty of adventures but it is time to turn the page and move on with my life.

It is good to move on. I wasn't sure at first whether I would continue to stay in Albuquerque or not for a while. I knew I would leave eventually. What better time to start anew than this. I am currently unhappy with my job, really want to get back on the music scene, and have a wonderful boyfriend who adores me.

Seattle will be a great place to get closer to my goals. Plus I think it is time for a change of scenery. I am excited that I won't have to start from scratch getting to know people and making friends. My best friend currently lives there and has some connections. I am confident that I have learned plenty of skills to continue to make my own friends as well.

Tim is also someone who likes to go out, be social, and have fun. I think, as a couple, we will make many other new friends together as well.

Each day I am getting more and more ready to leave Albuquerque behind and continue my life in Seattle.

Being Passionate

No more complacency for me!

I do love to be happy and it would be great to stay there all the time. However, I have discovered that it is much better to experience the extreme happiness and even the lowest of lows than to stay at the same level of indifference.

I am fortunate right now in being extremely giddy! It is a great feeling. Plus I think I'm giddy for a good reason. I know the serious times will come even within the happiness I have found. But I am prepared to share that as well as my joy.

Sooner or later, I expect that I will need to experience sadness again. For me, it is good to have a good cry every once in a while to let out all the bottled up emotions and stress that plagues the back of my mind. I will learn to accept this as a good part of me as well as my happiness. While I love to be a happy Kari, I require some time to reflect and be aware of my emotions good and bad.

I am thankful that I am happy and living life to its fullest right now. Now that I have accepted that I cannot control and plan my life at this time, I am able to enjoy the moment. Living in the moment has been a great experience, but I will look forward to making plans again someday. Perhaps it will be sooner than expected.

It's a sad situation, the end of things always seem to have some amount of sadness, but I'm glad my friends and family tell me that I seem much happier. I am happier. It feels weird to admit this, I'm not sure how long I had expected to be in a slump but it really wasn't long.

Once the end started, I grieved. I was expecting that. But I also had such a weight lifted from my shoulders that I didn't realize I could be both sad and happy. It's crazy how the people who are important to me can tell me that I seem much happier and I don't realize the truth in it until they tell me!

I am so fortunate to have such wonderful friends and a support group that, well, loves me. Why would someone care about my state of being unless they love me? I always try to be the best person I can and to be caring and supportive myself. Maybe I haven't felt like I needed to solely rely on my support group before. I have always known I make a good impression on people and I am generally likable. But to see so many people jump to my aid when I needed it most was something I never truly expected.

I was afraid of feeling alone and to be stuck with only my thoughts. Sometimes I hate the constant thinking, wondering, worrying... I know it is still there in the back of my mind -making sure I keep a foot on the ground and a check on reality every once in a while. But it is freeing to be able to tackle one problem or issue at a time. One step at a time and I will get things figured out for the best.

Currently I am happy :) I like it!

Why do I cry?

Last night I cried.

Then I wondered why I cried. Was it because I want him to take me back? Is it because I still want him? Am I just looking for attention? Why was I crying?

Well, I'm not sure I know what love really is any more. I guess I find out when I get there. I know he is not going to try to get me back. I think I have accepted that for the most part. So why was I crying?

I gave it some more thought. And I have come up with the answer. It has to do with multiple feelings including sadness, fear, and self-pity because of one truth: I was unwanted.

He didn't want me. He "loved and cared" about me, but he didn't want me. All of his love for me wasn't enough for him to want to keep me.

I don't want to be unwanted. I deserve to be wanted. So I cried because I was sad that I had been unwanted. Because I am afraid that maybe no one will want me. I don't want to be alone in this world. And maybe because I pity myself -if I'm unwanted no one else should be sad for me - Who would really care about the emotional battle within me?

Betrayed

I can't shake this feeling. I feel so betrayed. By him.

Obviously, this is another stage that must pass. I feel so much hatred and anger towards him. I don't like being a hateful person.

I have cried s few times recently. I'm not sure if it's because of all the hate I feel, the need to let the emotion go, or that I'm so unhappy because I am hateful.

It comes after having too much time to think. I struggle with thinking that this is only hard on me. Is he going through this? Truthfully, I hope he is. I hope he is having a hard time accepting this change too.

I want to move past this stage soon. I hate being unhappy and hateful. I want to be happy again. I want to smile and laugh again (and not just every once in a while because I'm out on the town). I don't want to keep my eyes down when I'm around him -which until May is a lot more time than I would like -so that he doesn't see how unhappy I am and how angry I am at him.

There is too much to think about: who gets what, what are we going to try to sell, where should I live, how long will I stay there, how long should I stay at my job, what about the guys who are interested in me, do I really want to go back to school, can I afford to go back to school, what about my car that is dying, who would help me get a good deal on a new car? I think those are the main questions... and they are NOT small questions... a lot of them are life altering questions...

So many life altering questions are difficult to deal with at one time.

Breathe in, breathe out.... wish me luck. I hope I can find some dreams that I want to achieve, then I can have some direction in my life.

Miserable

I don't want to be miserable.

I don't like being in the dark. Especially when it's my future that is so unknown.

I used to have a plan. Or at least an idea of what the "next 5 years" might perhaps look like.

Now I have nothing. I could stay just where I am, without plans for marriage or a family. I could just focus on being happy in the moment. And that is kind of what I have been doing. But then I realized that I'm not exceptionally happy in my current job and the status quo is not going to change without me doing something.

Does that mean moving out of Albuquerque to go to school? Does that mean just trying to find another job and starting at the bottom of the food chain again?

I also found out that I'm dreading the inevitable move... I was all ready to stay in one place for a few years and now it might be back to packing up and moving every year or so. Not looking forward to that. I'm stressed that I don't know how long I should take out a lease for... will I be able to stay somewhere for a whole year -what if I decide to change something in my life, like where I live, and I don't want to stay the lease. What if I get stuck in a rut and don't do what I need to? What if I stay just because that is what I know?

I feel so miserable that I haven't tried to figure any of this out yet. I'm just sitting here. Doing "nothing" it seems. But then I become upset and sad when I think of the reasons I need to figure my life on my own.

I thought I was being pretty good moving on, on my own. I wasn't as heart broken as I thought I might be that I didn't have someone to love me. I know I can be loved and I am lovable. I'm not unworthy for love. I know I deserve to be loved. Thank goodness I am a confident person. Otherwise this could have been a much worse experience. But I shake my own confidence sometimes when I don't know or can't decide what the next step should be.

Hopefully I will get past this frame of mind soon. I would rather be smiling.